5 Aug 1998
When my husband and I got married in June, I had said I wanted to wait until we were married for at least one year before trying to have a baby. This would give plenty of time for things to settle down.
In January we decided that we didn't want to wait. I went off the pill at the end of the month and in May I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. My heart jumped, I was so excited. When I told my husband his face lit up and he was grinning ear to ear. He started to rub my stomach everyday and he would kiss it and say, "I'm kissing the baby." It was so sweet!
We went out and bought the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, even though I have spent my entire life around babies and pregnant women. A week later we told our families that we were expecting our first child - I was so excited. My mom let out a squeal and my sister hugged me so tight and so long I was beginning to wonder if she would ever let me go.
One June 8th, in my 8th week, while at my mother's for the weekend, I began to cramp in my lower back and stomach. A few hours later I started to spot. I was sick to my stomach with fear. I had been reading about all of the warning signs of miscarriage and these were textbook symptoms. Then I started to bleed, like a normal period. I called my doctor and he told me that it sounded like I was miscarrying and there was really nothing I could do. He also told me to see if I pass any "tissue" and bring it in so they could examine it.
The most horrific feeling in the world is scooping a fetus out of the toilet, knowing that it would have grown into a precious little child.
The physical pain I went through was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. It hurt to sit, it hurt to lay, it hurt to stand, I couldn't move without shooting pain throughout the middle of my body. My husband was great through all of this. He held my hand and tried to make me as comfortable as possible and always let me know he was there for me. The pain lasted for almost two weeks after I miscarried, I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to feel normal again.
I know that things like this happen for a reason, and believe me everyone I knew was not going to let me forget it, but I couldn't help but feel like I was a failure. Having a baby is one of the most natural happenings in the world, and I couldn't do it.
In November I found out I was pregnant again. I did all I could to keep from getting too excited, just in case. And once again I started to spot and cramp. I went to my doctor and he tried to reassure me that this was common in some pregnancies, "Hey, my wife went through the same thing, she miscarried the first and she cramped and spotted with the second - but now I'm paying tuition at the University for that one."
He did make me feel a little better, but I still had the feeling deep down that something wasn't right.
Two days later I miscarried. I was pissed at the world! Why did this happen again?!? People in my family were looking at me like I was some kind of a freak. I am the only woman in my family that has ever had more than one miscarriage, and they were looking at me like I had two heads.
After a few months, people started asking me when I was going to try to get pregnant again. I would say, "When I am good and ready." I feel this pressure from people around me to try for another baby.
People need to understand that for me - getting pregnant doesn't mean having a baby. To me getting pregnant means going through the worst emotional and physical hell you can imagine, and not having anything but anger, fear, and loneliness to show for it.
For those who have never experienced this horror, please keep in mind that the body may have healed in a short period of time, but the heart takes a lot longer. Be patient, please.
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