Nat's Story

by Natalie

This site is great, it's nice to know that we're not alone, reading other peoples stories helps with the grieving process.

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000

Here is my story..

I was recently married, only 6 months ago and really wanted to have a child quite soon. My husband on the other hand wasn't so excited about the whole idea, he has a lot of vision (financial that is ). You know, wants to earn loads of money own 2 or 3 houses etc. etc. before he has children. Well doesn't everyone? Me on the other hand am very humble and am thankful for the things I have, and just want to be healthy and happy.

He actually confuses me a lot on the topic of children one week he wants them, next he doesn't. Well it happened, I fell pregnant and I was scared. Not of what my husband would think, but how it would change my life. He would just accept the idea and get use to it. Though I knew I was pregnant something didn't feel right, it was as if a little bird was whispering in my ear, saying "Don't get too attached to the idea" This thought haunted me more and more. I just pushed it aside and got attached to the idea, thought of new names, what will it be etc.

It still didn't feel right, I mean my sister has never had a problem and she's had 4 children, nor did my mother or my brothers partner with their pregnancies. So "don't worry" I tried to convince myself but to no avail the feeling was still there.

So at 8 weeks I started to spot, and I knew what was happening, I was very scared, how could this be happening I asked, and I prayed to God not to take my baby but the bleeding continued.

After a trip to my Doctor she told me just to rest, though wasn't very hopeful that things would be ok, my husband didn't know what was happening and was getting excited about the idea of being a Dad.

I felt terrible not knowing what was going to happen, but feeling that it was bad. I went to have an ultrasound and nothing could be seen so an internal was done. The sac was visible, but suggested I was only 4 weeks which couldn't be correct. When it was completed the tech told me to get off the bed and go to the toilet, get dressed etc. So off to the toilet I went and there I saw it on the bottom of the white porcelain, the beginning of my miscarriage.

I went off to work and thought, what will be, will be and I'll just wait for it, I tried to occupy myself when the cramps came. Just slightly at first and then painfully noticeable, I was curled over at my desk in pain.

I called my husband and asked him to come from work and take me to the hospital as I was in pain and something was wrong. He said he'd be there in 10 minutes, but 40 minutes passed and I was still in pain when he finally called and said he wasn't coming. Heart broken I tried not to cry so obviously, he said he couldn't leave work, I was upset as these words were coming from a man who owned his own business, how could he not leave ? And better still how could he leave me there so long knowing what may be happening.

He knew I was upset and came for me, 1 1/2 now passed and I was finally at the hospital, by then the pain subsided. They took me straight in from ER and were so nice to me, my husband just stood back not being very supportive, more confused than anything. The Doctor came and spoke to me, asked all the right questions and did an examination, he then called a specialist who was on duty to get his opinion, they were both so wonderful to me and very comforting.

Yes I had lost my baby, the first two days I was coping well. The grief hit me a week later, I became very depressed and angry, cried all the time and asked Why? And was also was upset with my husband for his lack of support. I never understood how people who I know that have lost babies felt until now. It feels terrible and I kind of feel punished for something, I want my baby back.

4 weeks have now passed since it happened and I'm feeling better, though find myself getting jealous when a few family friends announced their pregnancies recently, I guess this is normal though I'm happy for them. at the same time as I wish it didn't happen, I 'm really against the idea of having children, I don't want to feel this way again. I've gone from a person dying to have kids to a person who is totally not interested. I've enrolled in 3 courses so I'm not home now 4 nights a week including a full time job which I work during the day. It seems as though I'm occupying myself to help with the grief, hopefully I'll heal and one day feel like taking the plunge again. My husband is now very supportive, but still a little confused about it all, I guess I can't expect him to be a mind reader.

Thank you for letting me share my story and for the stories that have been shared by others I will no longer ask "why me" as I'm not the only one who has gone through this and this site has helped me to realise this.