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My two angels

by Nicky Nicholson

Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2000

I was reading the stories from your page and thought
that I would share mine.

 I am 19 years old and already I have had a
miscarriage and a stillborn baby.

 I can't exactly remember when I was first pregnant
with my first baby but I do remember how scared I was.
 The night before I had my miscarriage I had spotted
but it was hardily anything and I didn't think
anything of it. The next day I did not wake up till
5pm. I got up and went to the bathroom and that's when
I had seen that I was bleeding. I was so scared all I
could do was cry fortunately I had told my boyfriend
about the spotting the night before and he knew. I
went to the hospital and first they did an ultrasound.
That's when they told me that I was nine weeks and
that they thought that I had lost the baby. The
doctor wanted to check me on last time before she
would let me go home. Well while she was checking me
is when I felt me loose the baby and everything came
out. Everything was a blur. I was so scared and
couldn't believe what had happened. They had said it
was a spontaneous miscarriage and that there was
probably something wrong with the baby. I cried a lot
but somehow managed to go on.

 In December only two months after I lost my first
baby I notice my period was late. Sure enough I took
a test and it came out positive. I was scared but the
doctors reassured me that just because I lost my first
baby that it most likely wouldn't happen again. I got
my first ultrasound at nine weeks, just to find out
how far along I was because I couldn't exactly
remember my last day of my period. Everything was
fine. In about March they had told me that I had a
bacterial growth but not to be concerned that was
common in pregnancies and they put me on an
antibiotic. At about 20 weeks I went to have and
ultrasound and found out that it was a little girl and
everything was fine. I had went out of state to visit
my dad and while there I had caught a virus. I was
throwing up and had diarrhea so I called my doctor. He
told me to go straight to the hospital. So I did.

They listened to the heartbeat and took some urine and
blood but said that everything was fine. About a week
later I went home. That night I was laying there and
noticed that I couldn't feel her kick. The next day I
had a regular appointment to get my belly measured and
listen to the heartbeat etc. Well they couldn't find
her heartbeat so they sent me upstairs to get and
ultrasound. First they hooked up a fetal monitor and
couldn't get anything from that. At this point I was
getting really scared. Then they hooked up the
ultrasound and there she was. She wasn't moving at
all and I busted into tears. About a minute later
they told me that she had died. I was so confused, I
didn't understand why and the fact that I had just
heard her heartbeat a week ago made it even worse.

They admitted me and stared to induce labor. I wasn't
progressing any after about 24 hours so they put what
they called seaweed rods in my cervix and about 8 and
a half hours after that I had her. She weighed 11
ounces and was 10 inches long. I named her Taylor
Mackenzie. I got to hold her and touch her, and
although it was hard at the time it was priceless. I
was only two days away from being 6 months along. She
was buried a week later and to this day I haven't been
back to her burial site yet. It just hurts so bad.
 Its been 5 months since then and it still hurts very
bad. Every time I see an small baby, hear a baby cry,
or go to a store and see all of the baby things I want
to cry. My family and friends were very loving and
they were there for me.

 To all of those who have been through the same thing
I feel so sorry for you and I hope that by reading my
story you know that you are not going through this
alone. Know that your baby or babies are in a better
place and although you don't understand do know that
god has a plan for your life and that maybe he felt
you didn't need a child at this point of your life.
Don't let it stop you for tying in the future either.
Nothing is more precious that having your own child to
love and be loved by.

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