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My Beautiful Baby Boy

by Nicole

Date: Fri, 24 Nov 2000

I seen your website and could not resist the chance to write. On Nov 11, 2000 my son Ezekiel Gray Hamby died of SIDS. He was born on Aug 4, 2000 and was as beautiful as he can be. He was my sunshine and quickly became the center of my life. He was my first and only child so I feel doubly cheated. I stayed out of work three months to care for him and he was having a hard time adjusting to my return to work. He would cry for his mommy. I will never forget that dreadful night that I found him in bed not breathing. It has ruined my love of life and I feel like this is still a dream. I went over and over in my mind everything we did that day to try to make sense of it all. Was he acting differently? Was my little angel not eating his normal ounces? But there was no difference than any other day. He was his own smiling and beautiful self. I have gone through the what ifs and still go through the what ifs. I have been trying to rationalize this whole terrible situation and I cannot find one good explanation. When he was born I thought life could not get sweeter than this now I wonder why the Lord won't take me too so I can see and hold my baby. My son could lift his head already (he was a very healthy boy) so I still wonder why he didn't wake up and cry for me. I would have been right there, I always was. By reading your website it has helped me tremendously and has answered some of my thousands of questions. I would like to thank you for that. On the day that my son died while I was giving him a bath I explained to him that I would never leave him for good because he was having such a hard time with me being away eight hours a day. I told him that I may go to work but I will be back and that I would never leave him. Now I feel as though he left me. I also thank God that I told him I loved him and how much numerous times a day. My sister wrote this poem for me because we live so far apart and she could not make the funeral. And I just thought maybe it would help another person who goes through this heart wrenching experience:


He was here such a short time,
but long enough to fall in love,
I wish that I could have held him more,
to show how much I cared.
The smile from his beautiful face
that could light up any room.
I know that you are hurting now,
but we showed him all the love
and joy that any child could feel.

Your Angel has joined Heaven now,
and I know you just can't bear.
The pain that envelopes you now,
is enough to take you there.
Just remember when you feel sad
that he watches over you.
He has secured a place for Mom and
Dad within the golden gates too.

Let him pass to Heaven now without any regrets.
God will blanket him in His arms and kiss life into him
with His sweet breath.

I go to the cemetery everyday and still have not returned to work. All I can think of is my little man that I can't hug, kiss, or hold anymore. I feel my life has no meaning anymore. I just want my son back.

Hurting through and through, Nicole

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