My Destiny Rose

by Barbara Nikkila

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999

Today, March 15, 1999 our baby should have been born. She never made it that far. The pain I feel today is overwhelming. I am having a hard time coping with it.

On July 29th I went to the doctor after taking a pregnancy test. All was fine. The doctor said the due date was March 22, 1999, but since I had 2 previous C-sections, we would schedule this one so the date of delivery would be one week prior to my due date, March 15th.

I went to my visits every three weeks. I had an ultrasound after the doctor had trouble hearing the heartbeat. The baby looked great. She was moving all around. My two children were there to see this miracle. But, on my next visit - the same thing happened, the doctor could not hear the heartbeat, so once again an ultrasound was done. This time, we saw nothing, no movement, no heartbeat. I was hysterical when I called my husband. We went to the hospital that night on October 5 1998 at 16 weeks and there they told me our baby had died. My husband and I cried for what seemed like hours. They sent me home that night with a sedative and after doing something to loosen the cervix. The next day a D&C was done and I was left to try and cope with this loss forever.

We were not trying to have another baby, we were never really able to make a final decision as to yes for sure we want to have another one, or no we definitely did not want another one. So, when we found out, it was such a miracle to have had this happen with out the decision process of adding a third child to the family.

We never officially found out she was a girl, but we all felt it in our hearts. My daughter thought it was & my son said he could tell by the ultrasound picture. And somewhere in our hearts, we just know.

The room was decorated and all ready for our baby to move in, but instead here I am today, crying with no baby to hold and all the pain to still get through.

The hardest part in the past weeks has been the lack of support, no one seems to understand or care. Even our parish priest was not much help. So now I must hold Destiny Rose in my heart, love her and hope some day I can hold her. The angels must take my place as her mom, until I can join her.

My Destiny Rose,
I Love You and you will always be in my heart.
Mommy