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Dear Angel Pauline


These are some thoughts I've written to my baby girl Angel Pauline who was stillborn on 6/5/96. The first one was given to us by our funeral director and was adapted to be read at the cemetary during Angel's funeral. All of the other entries were written by me, Angel's Mommy, Nancy Pauline Siembida.

I would like to communicate with others about their losses. I would also like to hear some info about subsequent pregnancies. We love and miss our Angel with heartache that only those reading this could understand but we want to try to bring a brother or sister of hers into this world for keeps. However we have received varied opinions regarding how long we should wait. Please write at my E Mail address NanPauline@AOL.COM

6/5/96

Dear Angel Pauline,

Though you never had the chance
To see the sky
To count the clouds
To wish upon.

Though you never felt
The soft warmth of a puppy (although, Prancer slept
beside you for many months)
The bright sunshine dawning on your face
The cool grass beneath your feet.

Though you never learned to laugh or to speak
We loved from the moment
We knew of your existence.

You're in our hearts forever
and always in our thoughts.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

6/19/96

Dear Angel,

Hey, baby girl, you'd be two weeks old now. I just wish I could still hold you and share my dreams with you. Why did you leave our world so soon, without giving your Daddy and I a chance to know you? I miss you so much! You had been a part of our lives, hopes, and dreams forever. Not only the nine months I carried you, but, as a child dreaming about a husband and children and as a husband and wife struggling with the question of why we couldn't begin a life inside of me when it seems to come so easy for everyone else.

Then there was the joy of knowing you were on your way and the feeling of a life growing inside me. Only to have our dreams shattered in the final days before you were due. Couldn't there have been some warning to save us from such pain.

I know my beautiful little one you are happy and rejoicing on the lap of the Lord. But I can't say that I'm feeling happy for you now. It's just too painful!

I hope you've shared some of our early morning chat with God. You will always be our first and most precious little girl. However, your Daddy and I have so much love to share with your brother or sister here on earth. Is that really asking too much or being selfish? I can't imagine wanting to physically share our love with another child could be too much or selfish. Know that we will forever share our love with you but, you are in God's hands and don't need our care. In my eyes, you truly don't even need us to pray for you. We need your prayers and guidance, Angel. Please support your parents through this heartache we feel. We need to feel your presence to fill the loneliness in our souls.

Keep us in your heart until we meet again.

Love,
Mommy

7/5/96

Dear Angel,

It was your Mommy and Daddy's fourth anniversary yesterday. You were supposed to be with us, sharing in our special day. However, Daddy did odd jobs all day and I wrote thank you cards (to our friends and family who have shown their kindness in some way after your journey to heaven) and read my sixth book about pregnancy loss.

We should have been going crazy, maybe trying to figure out why you were crying, or how come we couldn't get you to sleep. Instead we cry ourselves to sleep. We should have been complaining about how tired we were. Instead we're exhausted with grief, wishing you were here to keep us up all night. We should have been telling everyone how many weeks old you were. Instead we think to ourselves she would have been five weeks old on Wednesday.

We search for the whys and what ifs and they only remind us that our dreams of your future are not to be. We held our beautiful, lifeless girl in our arms. One of our few cherished, yet bittersweet memories of being parents to you. We have some small treasures of your existence to remember you.

Born still is what they say, you shared life with me for nine months, yet, they say born still. You were alive and a member of our family since your existence was known and still they say born still.

Love, Mommy

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