Reflections on the death of an Angel
by Janel Quiring
Jacob Calder Quiring
Thank you for giving me a place to share my letter to my son Jacob. He died less than two weeks ago from SIDS. I wrote the letter two days after he died and read it aloud at the Memorial Service. It has helped give me some comfort in these hard times. The letter is written a journal my husband bought me on our honeymoon in October of 1994. On the inside cover my husband wrote "I am giving this book to you in the hope that it will be the journal for the adventure of our first child together." On the front of the journal there is a picture of an angel
30 Jun 1997
My dear baby Jacob,
You have given me so many gifts. You have given me the gift of strength, of spirituality and of love. I feel like I am so strong now - I can handle anything. After what happened two days ago, finding you like that and having you taken away from me all else seems like nothing. You have shown me that you are an angel and that your spirit shone brightly. When I looked into your eyes I saw myself, your father, our parents, and all our family - and I saw you. I could imagine what you were like inside even though we never spoke to each other. When I came downstairs that morning and asked your dad where you were even though you were lying right beside him, that proved to me that your spirit had gone. I could not feel you in the room anymore. You came back to visit us a few times since, and for that I will always be thankful. You spoke to your dad in a dream and told him that you knew we had a lot of love to give and that we should not think about not having another child. You came to me last night, just after I closed my eyes. You were lying on your side with your eyes open and your arms were moving. You seemed to be floating and glowing, you looked happy and safe. Then, this morning, we were drawn to your room. We lied down where you died and Ira and Louis would not come into the room. We looked at each other and both knew you were there and the dogs were letting us have our time alone.
Jacob, you also gave the gift of love. You were born so small and under such tough circumstances but you fought. I feel like you fought to stay with us long enough so that you could find out how much we loved you and you could show us that you knew it and loved us too. You showed me this in the last few days with your little crooked smile and with the way you had started to cry if we were not with you.
Oh my little angel. You were beautiful and precious and perfect. I feel you still here around me and in my heart. I will always love you and be thankful for our precious time together.
My boy, my Jacob-bean, my little angel. Kiss Kiss.
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