My little mystery

by Louise Raaschou

Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999

I lost my baby boy, Isak, on May 8th this year. He was due on May 5th, but two days after, he died in my stomach, and I gave birth to him the day after that. He was stillborn. The umbilical cord had somehow gotten stuck, so the oxygen had been cut off. I try to find comfort in the fact, that it happened fast. He didn't suffer, and there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it. He was our first child. It's been two months and two weeks, and I still fall into those very black holes filled with tears and anger and the deepest sorrow, I have ever known. I miss my baby so much, that it hurts sometimes. People tell me, that we can have other children. At least I'm still young (29), and since there was nothing wrong physically with Isak, chances are, that we can make normal, healthy babies. But they can never replace him. I wish I had gotten to know him, but I have never seen him move or open his eyes. And sometimes he seems like a stranger to me. My little mystery.

I'm glad I found this website, because it always helps to tell the story again and again. My husband and I are also in contact with a similar organisation for parents who have lost their child, here in Copenhagen, Denmark where we live. And somehow I find great comfort in reading all the other stories on this website. Not that it makes me feel better, knowing that others grieve too, but it makes me feel less alone. And I would like very much to hear from others. Maybe especially others, who have their tragedy longer in the past. What one really needs to hear is that it is possible to live your life with this loss, and that maybe one day it will no longer be the most present in your mind at all times. Even though I already feel now that there are times, when I can put Isak away for a few hours, it seems that constantly there's this big cloud over everything. My e-mail address is: louiseraaschou@hotmail.com  

My thoughts and compassion goes out to everyone who have lost their child.

Louise