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My little worm

by Virginia Raises

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 

"My little worm"

I found out that I was pregnant the first week of November right after his father had left to go to a different military base. We had only known each other a few months and had not discussed marriage. I knew that I was pregnant as soon as he left, but oddly enough I was ok with it. I took several home tests which all came out to be negative, then a couple weeks later still no period, so I took another home test, which was a light positive and went to the med clinic on post. I am 24 years old and joined the military this past summer.

Somehow I just knew that I was pregnant, so there was no surprise when the nurse told me. Telling the father was hard because he told me to get an abortion. When I told him no and that I could never do it, he said that I was being inconsiderate to his feelings. My parents were very surprised at first but within the same conversation became very supportive and eager to become grandparents. When my little brother heard he asked my mother what the baby looked like at that point and she said like a little worm, thus the name stuck and he was nicknamed Worm.

After David realized he couldn't change my mind he called and said he never wanted to talk to me again. Mean while I became totally involved with the growth of my baby. I read everything I could get my hands on. I went home to my parents at Christmas and all we could talk about was Worm. After Christmas everything was going perfect, I ate everything healthy and did light aerobics, and at the doctor's his heartbeat was loud and clear. On my military post people began to talk, because you tell one close friend and then everyone starts asking you if you're getting married, when is the baby due, what does David think.

David eventually began calling me again, only now with threats of how he wanted to take the baby to be with him some times, and yelling at me that he felt I was trying to pressure him into some sort of a commitment. Every conversation left me crying and scared of what he might do to myself and the baby. At this point my little Worm had began to flutter, I was so excited. Then in the 5th month I began to where my pregnant uniform, which was like wearing a sign saying "Yes I am pregnant" It was ok though because we had gotten through 4 months without any complication.

Soon I was going to get my ultrasound to say whether or not he was a girl or a boy. He had been moving around so much. I could hardly pay attention at work, because he was such an active little guy.

Then the movement seemed to stop the weekend before my ultrasound. He just didn't seem there anymore, I wanted to buy my own stethoscope and check up on him, but everything had been perfect so far. I just thought maybe I wasn't paying attention enough or maybe he was moving during my aerobics so I didn't notice him. I had a thought of what will I do if I go to the Dr. and he finds no heartbeat. I quickly put that thought away, I tried to reassure myself we had come to far for anything to go wrong.

Then I went in for my ultrasound, telling Worm in the car on the way, I knew he was a boy, but that it didn't matter to me either way because I loved him so much. I sat in the little room waiting patiently for the Dr. with my blank video tape in my hand. When he came in first he checked for the heartbeat with his special stethoscope. He couldn't find it, but reassured me it could be because my bladder was too full. Then he began the ultrasound. He spent a very, very long time looking around scanning back and forth over my tummy. I thought he just is having a hard time finding out whether my baby is a boy or a girl. Finally I asked if that was why it was taking so long.

When he said it wasn't looking to good, I knew. I cried that there can't be anything wrong with my baby, there just can't be. He explained how he couldn't find the heart, and that it didn't make any sense to him. The baby was so perfect exactly where it was supposed to be for 22 weeks. Then he told me I would go for a follow up ultrasound the next day, just in case, and that if it confirmed what he said I would have to deliver the baby. I cried out that it couldn't be true, it wasn't fair, and that I couldn't handle this. He said its never fair and that no one expects me to be able to handle this.

The next day it was confirmed and I couldn't stop crying. You just keep asking, Why , Why did this have to happen. My parents weren't there so 2 of my friends went to the hospital with me the next day.

They were so wonderful and caring. Then began an almost 48 hour wait. At first I was afraid of seeing my baby but with every nurse change and every new nurse asking me what I wanted. I knew I wanted to see and hold my son. It was a long wait but then finally I felt a different sharp pain, and I began to deliver my son. When his head popped out I sprayed one nurse with amniotic fluid. He was so precious and I was so excited to see him. He was perfect, everything about him, except for one tiny kink in the umbilical cord right where it connected to his little tummy. He was 13 oz and 10 in long. He was so beautiful, and I was so proud of him.

Now I am on leave from the military to go home and spend time with my family and to recover. It is very hard, I can't seem to do anything I normally like doing. I only like apple juice because I had it in the hospital, so that is all I drink or eat. I stare at his picture many hours during the day. My breasts are huge, sore, and leaking. My tummy is empty and my heart is still crying. My eyes are a bit swollen from the tears and it's hard to fix myself up.

I know I am a mother now, and I have very special little son up in heaven to help me with things down here. Not being married makes things extra hard, because I can't just turn around and try to get pregnant again. I know that Worm is looking out for his mommy though and knows how badly she wants to have his brothers and sisters. So I feel there is something very special waiting for me, thanks to my little angel. I love him with all of me, and will never forget him. Part of me will always be in heaven now, and part of him will always be here on earth with me. I LOVE YOU WORM!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you have experienced a similar loss or just have some words of comfort please e-mail me at varwhale@yahoo.com

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