You have the right to grieve!

by mgoodwin@browngroup.com

11 June 1998

I have just spent the last few weeks reading everyone's heartbreaking stories. I think this is a wonderful site to put into words the feelings that occur when a miscarriage, still birth or neonatal death happens in one's life.

Over the years I have know many people that have lost a child in the above situations. At the time, I did not have children - and of course - their losses did not affect me - so what was the big deal? It wasn't until I had children of my own and went through a loss of a child did I understand the heartache.

I have two beautiful children. I am so blessed! They along with my husband really make my life happy. I became pregnant with my third child when my children were 2 and 1 years of age. I was thrilled that we would be adding to our family. My first two pregnancies were relatively uneventful and there wasn't a reason that I would have a problem this time!

At around 10 weeks, I started to spot. "No big deal" people said. Many women bleed during pregnancy and they have healthy babies. I went to the doctor - and through an ultrasound we saw our baby's heart beat beating strong! Blood work determined that my progesterone level was low. I went on bed rest for a week, took progesterone pills and the bleeding stopped. An ultrasound 1-week later showed that the baby had grown a lot. Again I saw the beating of my child's heart. I was thrilled.

People have told me - wait the three months before you tell anyone you are expecting. How could I? We were expecting a miracle - a baby. I wanted the world to know! My husband and I believe that a baby is a baby from the day of conception. We couldn't wait to meet this little one!

As soon as my hopes were soaring high, I started bleeding again. One more trip to the doctors. This time, the news was not so good. "No heartbeat", "I'm sorry", "We'll schedule a D & C tomorrow".

Although I was only 3 months along - I really had a hard time with this loss. I knew what I was missing out on, I knew what was not meant to be.

My husband and I decided to name the baby - although we did not know the sex. My oldest son named the baby "Baby Apples". Makes no sense - but we liked it!

I hope that women who have experienced an early miscarriage do not feel "silly" about expressing how they feel. Your baby was a part of you from day one. You have the right to grieve!

Thank you for this web site!