Three In A Row

by RLP

Date: Wed, 17 May 2000

May 16, 2000

First of all, I just want to let you know, this network is really great. It is so comforting to read other people's stories and see that I am not alone.

I will try to sum up my story as much as possible. It has been going on for just about a year now.

About this time last year my husband and I had two weddings to attend, two weekends in a row. At the second wedding, I was beginning to get a little curious because I was a week late for my period. I was not feeling well at all that weekend. I had a really bad cold and was taking Sudafed to try and feel better. The day after we got home I decided I would go buy a home pregnancy test. The results were really strange... I looked at the stick after the two minutes were up, just like it said. It read negative. So I said, "okay maybe I'm not pregnant." Just for the heck of it, I went back about a half hour later. There was a faint pink line. Apparently, this meant a low positive. I had never heard of a low positive before. My doctor had me go to the lab to get a blood test to confirm. That also showed a low positive. I was really confused... My doctor's office told me to go back to the lab in a couple of days to repeat the test, and maybe by then they could get a better reading. However, before those two days passed I started to bleed pretty heavily. I went from being really happy, to heart broken all in a matter of days. My doctor told me the tests were reading a low positive because I was miscarrying. I was only about 5-6 weeks along, but still it was painful.

A couple of months later, I realized I was pregnant again. My husband and I were not really trying, but I guess we were not being careful either. My doctor had said that he wanted us to wait at least three cycles. It had only been one... I was nervous, but also trying to stay very positive. I had my eight week check-up and everything looked good. My husband, my 3-year old daughter and myself were going on a big vacation out west to visit my aunt who I hadn't seen in years. I told him that I wanted to wait until I got back to have an ultrasound. We were only going for a week. I felt pretty good when we were on vacation. Although I made a comment to my husband saying that it didn't feel like my belly was growing. I enjoyed the rest of our time and kind of forgot about it. The day after we arrived back home, we went to visit my parents. All of a sudden, I was standing on their porch and I felt this gush. I went into the bathroom and sure enough I was bleeding. My mother's friend, who happened to be a nurse was there. She told me to elevate my feet and try to relax. Sure!!! That's easier said then done... There wasn't anything that could be done at this time, so I managed to make it through the night and an ultrasound was scheduled for the next morning. My husband was there with me. We watched the screen, hoping and praying we would see a heartbeat. That was my first question to the technician. Her response was, "I'm very sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I just burst into tears and felt like I was being torn apart. Now, for a second time going through the god awful pain. They ran all sorts of tests on the fetus and couldn't really conclude what might have been the cause. In my heart I felt that we really should have waited longer, but my doctor told me there are people out there who get pregnant right off and they are fine. There just wasn't any real answers. He told us this time to wait six months. He also wanted to start testing my progesterone levels. (The major hormone that keeps the baby in the uterus)

I just kept saying to myself, "How am I ever going to get through this?" At first I said I would never have another again. Then, after a couple of months I felt the only way I was going to be happy again was to get pregnant. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.

In January of this year, four months after my second miscarriage, I became pregnant. My husband and I were shocked. I never dreamed it would happen that fast. I had so many mixed emotions going on inside of me. I went to the doctors thinking I had an infection because I had low back pain and abdominal pain. It turned out I was expecting. I was really scared! He wanted to do an ultrasound right off. At 6 1/2 weeks I had my first one. We actually saw the heartbeat this early. Everything was going really well. He tested my progesterone level right off and it turned out that it was excellent. I think 33. 25 is the norm. A week later my levels had come down a little. My doctor wanted to get me started on more progesterone right off. My levels were not alarming, but he said he just wanted to play it safe. I continued to have my levels checked weekly. At 12 weeks I had another ultrasound. Just to make sure everything was still okay. I felt much reassurance after this one because we saw the baby starting to develop and saw the heartbeat again. Two days later I even heard it! At this point I was still on progesterone. He wanted to get me at a continuous level to where I didn't have to be on them anymore. About a week and a half later I got a call from my doctor telling me that my levels had dropped substantially. He told me to come in right away and he wanted to put me on the maximum dose. I was in total panic. As it was, up until this point, I was just taking it day by day. Trying not to dwell on the chance of miscarrying, but it certainly was in the back of my mind. When I went in for my injection this last time, I asked him the most dreadful question of all... "Are my chances of miscarrying high?" His answer was, "Yes I'm afraid they're pretty high." This was on a Friday. I was like, "Oh great, how am I going to get through this weekend?" I knew at that point that it was in gods hands. Sunday evening came and I thought to myself, okay I have made it through the weekend. A little while later, I went in to go to the bathroom and noticed a very faint discharge. I still kept trying to tell myself that maybe I still had a chance. It got worse as the night went on. I was in touch with my doctor, but there again he really couldn't do anything until we saw another ultrasound. They made me wait until 3:30 the next afternoon. I know it wasn't there fault, but the waiting and wondering was the absolute worse feeling in the world. When we got in there, it was like deja vu all over again... Sure enough the technician told us she could not see a heartbeat. I thought a part of me had died with my baby. I can't begin to explain all the emotions for the third time in a row...

It was four weeks ago today that I had to have my D&C (April 18th). The ironic thing is that it all happened at the same time frame as my second miscarriage. These dates will stick in my mind forever.

Our dream was to have two children, three years apart. The biggest question in our minds right now is why did I have such a normal, healthy pregnancy with my daughter and then continue to have three miscarriages. I am more angry than anything this time. I have my moments when I cry my eyes out, but I also just have so much bitterness inside me.

I am so fortunate to have the kind of husband that I do. He is so strong for both of us. I couldn't make it through this without him or my daughter, Jordan. We thank god everyday that we have her. I know there are couples out there that haven't even been able to have one child. We are very fortunate in that respect, but I tell you, it certainly doesn't take away the pain. It makes us appreciate her even more, but not lesson the pain.

My doctor has told us to wait a year this time. That seems like a long time to me, but I realize at this point, I really need to allow myself the time to heal. A part of me wants to definitely call it quits, but the other part is not ready to give up. You're probably thinking, "boy is she crazy." I guess something like this really makes you stronger in some ways. It's hard to believe that right now, but hopefully in time I will feel that way. We are going to see a specialist very soon, so maybe we can get the answers we're looking for. My doctor feels that it is low progesterone. We're not questioning that, but would like to get a second opinion. I think we owe it to ourselves.

Thank you so much for listening. It really helped me reading other's stories. I can definitely relate to what they are going through.