Nathan - Happy 5th Birthday
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999
Happy Birthday my Dearest Nathan,
Here I sit once again, wishing you were here to blow out your candles and
open your gifts. Once again, wishing your baby sister could have met you.
How strange it is to be there with your daddy. It is just not natural anymore, at least not for me. He asks if I mind if he comes with me, I do mind in some ways, yet I am afraid that I would hurt him if I said no. After all that has happened, our marriage ending, the group that no longer joins us at your grave as a result, his being unfaithful, sharing your sister with this stranger that I just can not accept, the ups and downs we have as a result of the way they handled it all, remembering how they both acted so quickly in destroying our family, I've been told that she somehow thinks she has done no wrong, I've been told of the ridiculous letters she sends to my now ex-family and friends, seeing with my own eyes her written words of things she has no business involving herself in, remembering what was meant to be your sisters first "Trick or Treat" outing, how she has affected the man your daddy used to be, not being in Auntie Kelly's wedding, Auntie Stacey and Auntie Christy's weddings that I will miss, my good friend Bill's wedding that I will miss, the showers I would love to help plan and be a part of, all the people who have been such a big part of my life, who were there for your birth, your life, your death, the people who I once called family that are now ex's, how our opinions of each other have changed, our relationships have been lost. All of this because your daddy did not have the courage to handle things properly and because they could think of only themselves. The lack of consideration for your sister and myself. The lack of consideration for the other family members involved and how it would affect both sides.
When I come to visit you with him, all of this races through my head. All of this makes it very odd to be there with him. All of this makes me hold back what I have to say to you. All of this makes me hold back what I want to share with you. All of this makes me hold back my the tears I want to shed for you.
Sometimes I feel as though it's not fair to you when we go separately, but I do so much better in dealing with the whole mess. Right now, I feel guilty for expressing all of this to you. At the same time, I believe you know all of this on your own. I know you've been watching and don't need to be told any of this.
What I am trying to say is that I am sorry that our Birthday visit was not as it used to be. I am sorry that the whole group can not be there to give you gifts, flowers and balloons. I am sorry that the good solid family, I swore in your name, your father and I would provide your sister with, has been ruined. Maybe someday, it will all be different. Hopefully someday, not so far away, I will find a man who will be a part of that promise. For now, it would be better for your mommy and sister to come alone. Your sister will probably make another trip to see you with daddy.
I love you and your sister with all my heart, all my soul and everything that I am. I hope your 5th birthday in heaven was filled with fun, laughter and love. Keep all the wonderful memories you have known fresh in your mind.
Mommy will want to hear them all when it is our time to be together again.
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