I have a name for my angel

by Nancy,
Ryann Emery's Mother

Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 01:00:08 EST

I stumbled upon this site and found myself crying.... a long awaited cry. So many stories to read and all of your stories have helped me to cope and lessen my pain. So here is my story... my painful journey.

I have had 2 miscarriages, the first one happened a year after I had my daughter. We were so happy to be pregnant again, It was said another miracle. My DH has a low sperm count and I just have a hard time conceiving. So my joy of having my daughter turned into joy of being pregnant again. I had only known for a few days when I miscarried (1996) My husbands father was having a quad-bypass the same day so we never dealt with the pain because of other issues. We finally told family 2 weeks later, and no one seemed to care. We went on.... never being on birth control always "trying" and "hoping". Then, my long awaited answer to my prayers happened December 12, 1998. I WAS PREGNANT!! I was thrilled so excited. We brought out our daughter's clothes from when she was a baby, bought a bassinet and started to pick out our new baby names. I was in college full time and getting ready to graduate in June. Then with a short clinical internship I would be able to stay home in anticipation for our arrival. On Dec. 22, I started to spot. It was light pink. I felt panic within me. I went to the Dr.'s office and they ran tests. Everything looked ok they said. So I went on, carefully. Within that week I started to spot brown. Once again the Dr. said that was not a bad sign, my HCG kept going up and on ultrasound everything looked ok. By Jan. 2, I had started to bleed lightly, I had already been put on bed rest however every appointment I went to I had only good news to go home with. I had to see my Dr. every 2 days, for a blood test and twice a week for an ultrasound. He told me that everything but the bleeding was in place. On Jan. 8 I had to take a trip to the ER because my bleeding had changed colors. They found everything to be ok there too. I was sent home on bed rest still with a threatened miscarriage. My Dr. seemed to think that all would be ok and reassured me of that. Sun. Jan. 10 I had cramping (slight) and bleeding was still going on, my Dr. said he would meet me at the ER. So there I was again, and once again my HCG was still going up and there on ultrasound was my baby, with a heartbeat! As tiny as it was. I was sent home to take it easy, my Dr. still telling me that some people bleed in pregnancy. Tues.Jan12, my bleeding took on a bright color, so I reluctantly called my Dr. who seemed a little irritated, and he told me to come in. He said that my cervix was still closed and that everything still looks ok. I asked for an ultrasound and he said we just did one on Sun and everything was fine that Friday I could come back for another Ultrasound If I was still worried. He agreed to do another HCG. That night at 8:45 PM he called me.

Asked how I was doing, then informed me that my HCG went down, I was miscarrying. This all took four weeks. I was in shock and denial. He wanted me to go in for a D&C on Thursday. I was numb. The next day I went by my school (WED 13) and explained all that was happening telling them I would return on Mon. they informed me that because I missed my finals the last week I couldn't return this year. I was numb once again. Wed. night my body gave up, and I started to pass our baby. My dr. wanted me to come to the office to see him. We went, and he informed us there that I was miscarrying everything, I had already ate so I couldn't go to the hospital for a D&C to be put under as I wanted. So he drugged me with valium and with my husband standing there, started up the vacuum hose. There was blood everywhere, my husband threw up, we saw everything, including our baby. I was 10 weeks along and although at first I was unsure of what I was looking at there was our angel. After the procedure was done and the "dead tissue" as they call it was put in a jar I was sent home. (tests showed that baby had no genetic problems) No one told us what kind of emotional pain we would suffer. Even though I was drugged I sat in my chair at home unable to sleep. I pretended like nothing happened. My husband became distant, and still is. When talking to people they said well it wasn't meant to be. Or you can have another or you need to get over it. I have had no one to talk to, not even my husband. The emotional pain is overwhelming. For a week in a half after I still had pregnancy symptoms, so I " pretended that nothing had happened"

Then one day, just like that, the symptoms were gone. I was empty. And heartbroken. My 4 year old daughter still comes up to me and asks when will the baby come? I still tell here that the baby is gone. And she says "oh well, he will come back" I struggle to get through the day hoping that I will make it through without dreading the day, and at night hoping that I have no nightmares. Everyone avoids me. And I haven't found anyone to talk to and Just to listen. Tonight is the first time I have really cried. It has been almost 4 weeks since our baby died. I did name our baby, because I felt he/she deserves to be named, that I will never forget him/her. Ryann Emery. And I have told no one until tonight as I write this that I have a name for my angel. I am sorry that this is so long, but Thank you for listening and giving me your time. It means so much to me.

Nancy.........

Blazdazer@aol.com