Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999
I had my first miscarriage when I was 20 years old and my husband and I had only been married for a few months. I went to the doctor at 12 weeks for my first prenatal visit. At the time my husband was in another state at a meeting, luckily I had my mom with me. I answered all the questions and filled out all the paperwork and when they did the ultrasound they could not find a heartbeat and when they measured the baby it had only grow to 9 weeks. I was so very confused. I could not understand what was happening. I went in at 7:00 the next morning for a D and C. The nurse gave me the option of waiting it out to see if my body would do the work but I felt like I could not live with the dead baby inside of me. I could not wait to get it over with. when I got home I felt the need to tell everyone I knew. I know that sounds strange but now I realize why I did it. I did not think I could handle anyone asking me unexpectedly about the baby. I needed everyone to know so that I did not have to answer any questions I did not want to. I felt like I was protecting myself.
I have now had 4 other miscarriages and no children and sometimes I feel so helpless and hopeless. I look at my husband and want more than anything in this world to give him a child. We have talked about the alternatives but just once I want to fell a baby inside of me and I also want to give birth to a child that the creation of the man I love and me. With every miscarriage I feel less and less like I can handle the pain and disappointment. But in my heart I know that my children will be little more extra special to me because of what I had to go through to have them. I do not doubt that someday I will be looking into the eyes of my baby
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