The story of my six precious babies

by Shelli Solazzo

Date: Fri, 28 Nov 1997

Dear Friends,

First, thank you for hearing our story, and for the forum to share it with you. I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories with us, it has been so helpful and comforting to know we are not alone in this horrible time.

My story begins almost 8 years ago, I had just turned 18, and found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend was a jerk, and he wanted nothing to do with me. My father was the head Deacon in our church, and I just couldn't tell my parents, so I was silent, I told no one but my three best friends, who eventually disowned me because they disapproved of my being pregnant. I was all alone and pregnant. I paid for my prenatal care with cash from my job, so their wouldn't be any bills. I wasn't sure when I was going to tell my family, but I was confused. I was almost at my 7/12 months along (still no one knew, I had always been overweight, so I was able to hide it quite well), I went into the medical clinic where I received my care, (it was not the greatest, but it was affordable). I saw the Dr. and when he went to do the pelvic examination, he said to me, "How do you feel young lady?" I replied that I think I have the flu, due to my stomach cramps, and vomiting, and my back hurt so bad I hadn't slept in two days, he then informed me that was because I had been in labor for probably the last two days and didn't know it. At this time he said there was no stopping the delivery now, I was already dilated to 7. He told me I would be delivering this baby right here, right now and would then be transferred to the hospital afterwards. I was totally unprepared, but didn't have much choice. I had been having horrible pains all day, but had no clue I was in labor, I was so young, and I was only 71/2 months along anyway. When my daughter was born, the room was horribly silent. No sweet cries, no one spoke for what seemed like hours. Finally the Doctor spoke and all he said was "She's Dead!" There are No words for me to describe my feelings, but I can say that my heart had to have been bleeding from the pain I felt. I screamed and wailed, and flailed around, so they sedated me even more. I could not believe it, my baby was dead? How could that be, she had just been moving that morning? I held my precious baby, she was beautiful, dark black hair, chubby cheeks, she was pink and so warm, she had the most perfect little lips, cherry red, I had never seen such cute lips in my whole life. Her ears were perfect, everything about her was delicious. I couldn't part with her, so they left me alone with her. I am sure it was two hours. I was bleeding but had demanded my time. I didn't even know what I was doing, I couldn't tell anyone about my sweet baby, but at this time, nothing mattered just holding her, memorizing every feature on her face. I will never forget that face, the face of an angel, born into a world of silence. I didn't tell a soul until months later. I think it was very hard for people to accept it all, for no one knew except a Doctor a nurse and a the taxi driver who was supposed to take me to the hospital, but whom I ordered to take me home.

My story doesn't end here, I met my husband two years later, before we were married I became pregnant, we were engaged and I carried our precious baby until I was five months along, and we found out she had died. It was so sad, but I just picked myself up and went along. Suppressing all of the feelings and emotions I had from this last baby and my first baby, never allowing myself to grieve. After we had been married I became pregnant again, I lost our second baby (my third) at about 4 /12 months along, another girl. Again, I just picked myself up, of course inside I hurt like horrible, but I just couldn't' allow myself to feel, it was just to big inside, so I went on living, but with parts of my heart missing. Again I became pregnant, and we lost this baby at 4 months along, another girl. By the way, at this point the Doctors were attributing their deaths to the fact that I was a diabetic, and during my pregnancies my sugar levels were so high due to the hormones produced in pregnancy, and so far they had not found a way to bring the sugar levels down. Again, we were so sad, but still had not grieved, I went back to work, and everyone thought how very strong I was. But they were so very wrong, I wasn't' strong, I was so scared, scared to feel, scared to cry, scared to go on, it was all so huge at this point, overwhelming with even thinking about it. Again I became pregnant, (our fourth baby, my fifth) I lost this baby on Christmas evening at about 3 months along, (this was our first loss that had not been in the second trimester).

It had been over two years since the loss of my fifth baby, and we found out we were pregnant, not even knowing it for a few months, due to the fact that I had what seemed like periods and that we had not planned this pregnancy. But none the less, were of course were happy, but inside I was so scared, I can't put into words how I felt. I knew I just could not take losing another baby. I just couldn't. Well it was miserable from the beginning, (and I was miserable to everyone too). I was sick every day, all day long. I was on such huge amounts of insulin, to try and bring my sugar levels down, that I had a headache every day, my stomach was sick with worry, I had diarrhea every day from the stomach problems, I couldn't sleep, it was just plain miserable. This may not make sense if you have never lost many babies, but during this pregnancy I knew something was terribly wrong and that this baby would not make it, so I tried (with no avail) to not become attached to the baby, I tried so hard, but it didn't work, how can you not love this precious being inside of you? Anyway, at this point we only thought we were about 3/12 - 4 months along, but in actuality I was 6 1/2 months along. I was sure I was feeling kicking but convinced myself I couldn't' possibly at only 3 1/2 months. Well I was getting routine hormone levels drawn at the lab, and afterwards went to the bathroom, and a rush of blood, I bled all over the bathroom floor and then some, it was horrible, I thought I knew this baby wasn't going to make it, and I knew at that time, he had died. I drove myself to the hospital, (really bad mistake) by the time I got their I was hemorrhaging so bad, it was a close call. They told me what I already knew that the baby had died, and that I could either be induced or wait and see if I went into labor, which is what I chose. I only had one week to see if it would happen naturally, due to risk of infection. At this point though we still thought the baby was only 4months along, (no one told us he was 6 1/2 months along, they felt there was no need to tell us, because they thought of course we already knew the age of our baby). We went home the next morning, knowing it wasn't over with. That was Monday, and labor began on Friday morning, we didn't go to the hospital until Saturday at about 1 PM. I delivered our son Tayler Michael Solazzo at 12:01 a.m. on Sunday August 3, 1997. My husband was not allowed in the room, because I had been hemorrhaging (we were still in the emergency room). At this point, I knew my baby was much bigger than they had told me, I could feel him. They did a D&E to deliver the placenta. I didn't' see him, I didn't' look, I just couldn't. I was in such denial, and wouldn't allow them to bring in my husband until I was all cleaned up, I also told them I was leaving as soon as my antibiotics were through in my I.V. line. We went home later that day. I chose not to see him, which is now something I regret, but cannot change. I have so many regrets, and it hurts terribly to think about them, but I just can't change them. I wish I would have let them let my DH in and we could have spent time with Tayler, but I didn't even tell him anything about it, he thought I was being ridiculous, I just couldn't' talk about it, I couldn't tell him, he was so much bigger and that I wished he had been in there, and that we had seen our son. I just couldn't. I hurt so much, I could hardly stand it, the first week I just stayed in bed, and medicated myself so I could sleep. Our family also didn't' understand what had really happened, (my fault for not telling them, but I didn't want to talk to anyone). I went back to work the next week, and just sat at my desk, I couldn't' even move, I wasn't doing a thing, I shouldn't' have been there, well on Wednesday we got a call from the pathologist (like I had requested) and he informed me at this time that Tayler had been 26 weeks old, and that he weighed 1 pound and 3 ounces. He was perfect in every way. Nothing was wrong with him, externally and from what he could see internally. I thanked him, and hung up the phone and lost it. I just lost it. I had to go to the hospital, I just flipped out. From then on, I have been off work on disability, maternity leave. I am finally dealing with my grief. The hospital had taken care of cremating Tayler's remains, and we had him buried in a local cemetery, we had a beautiful monument with his name, and how much we love him on their. We had the most beautiful service you could imagine for our little son. I miss him so very much. I can't even begin to describe how painful this is for us, and how much hurt I have for my babies. I miss them all, they were all so very special and so very loved and wanted. I was not strong before, if I were really strong I would have dealt with my feelings, and been honest with myself and with others around me, especially my husband. I am doing that now, believe me I feel it ALL now, and am now dealing with it. It is overwhelming, and if not my God and Savior and for drugs (anti-depressants) I would have died from a broken heart already.

I apologize for this being so very long, but I just couldn't have shortened it. Thank you for allowing me to share the story of my precious babies with you. Please take care!!

Love Shelli