My Angel

by Stephani Sprague, 30

Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. Not even a year after our marriage, we had a beautiful, healthy daughter. We decided then to have another child right away. We wanted our children to grow up close in ages. 5 years and 3 miscarriages later, my doctor told me if I was to become pregnant again it could possibly kill me. Physically or emotionally I don't think I could have handled losing another child. I then took the advice of my doctor and had my tubes tied. Those five years were the hardest part of my marriage. Neither me nor my husband ever talked about our loss. We both kept telling ourselves it was too small and it wasn't a body yet. After all, all three miscarriages were in my 8th and 9th weeks. Of course, we were both lying to ourselves. Our lives, and our marriage was scared by our silenced grief.

On Fathers Day, 1999, I took a pregnancy test. I had all the symptoms; morning sickness, tender breasts, etc.. I told my husband that night, we decided to see the doctor before we told anyone our news. The following day, I stopped at our local health Dept. and asked to have a pregnancy test, since I couldn't see my doctor for a few weeks. That test also came back positive. They could hear a heartbeat, (which never happened in my past miscarriages) and said everything looked great! They also told me I was 12 weeks along. Well, that's all it took! 12 weeks, I lost the others at 8 and 9. I knew everything was ok. I was so happy, already thinking of if it was a boy or girl. My husband and I both were so excited. Finally!! After all these years! We told our 10 year old daughter our news. She was as happy as we were, thinking of names and deciding whether or not a brother or a sister would be most beneficial to her. Just thinking back to the things she said and way she acted makes me smile inside.

When I finally made it to my Doctors appointment, he sent me to the hospital to have a blood level and ultrasound. He said nothing to worry about but since it had been less than 6 years since having my tubes tied, it would be in our best interest.

I didn't even bother to tell my husband about this test, maybe deep down I knew something was wrong...I got to the hospital at 2 pm. the Tech started doing an ultrasound, asking me questions about my pregnancy. She then left the room, came back and told me they wanted a vaginal ultrasound. After both of these ultrasounds and not seeing the screen for either, I began to get scared.

The ER Doctor came into my room, told me he called my Doctor and that I did not have a fetus in my uterus and I'd have to be admitted. He then turned and walked out of the room. I was in shock. By this time it was 5 pm. I had to wait for my husband to get home from work to call him and tell him where I was. And I had no idea what was going to happen. My husband met me in the ER and walked up to my room and we waited for the doctor to come talk to us. Neither of us said much of anything. We were both too afraid to say it aloud. The Doctor told us my blood level was at 3840 and since there was no fetus in my uterus it was most likely a tubal pregnancy, he told us that he would have to remove the tube before it erupted. What about the heart beat, we asked. He didn't know what to tell us. I had surgery that night. I was about to lose it. I couldn't understand why God would let me become pregnant and then have this happen a fourth time. My doctor then told me if I didn't want anymore children, I could have both tubes removed when he did this procedure. The thought of a fifth loss was unbearable, so we opted for having both tubes removed.

Now, let me tell you, this was the hardest decision I ever made. I was crushed. A few days later, actually today, my husband and I talked for the first time about my miscarriages and this tubal. We cried together, spoke of the hurt, pain, and guilt we both felt. WE began our healing for all our lost children.

My daughter, hearing our tears, came into our room and said the most amazing thing to us both. It's okay mom and dad. You two are so special since God picked you 4 times to send him his new angels.

And she is right. And best of all, He let us keep one of our own.

Stephani Sprague, 30