My brief story

by Stefanie

Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998

I don't normally read and write on e-mail, but was feeling gloomy and came across some of the stories written here. The truth is that I try not to think about what's happened to me...not even a little bit because I don't want to deal with the emotions that surface when I do. They are gut wrenching for me. A few of the stories here are so painful, yet they provide a feeling of comfort in a way I really don't know how to explain. My brief story:

I am 34. We have been trying for 2 1/2 years...and let me tell you when you are living month by month it seems like an eternity--I know some of you must know this. I have endometriosis now for 6 years. Well, my husband and I went away for our 8th anniversary in June and we conceived that weekend. Without the use of fertility drugs (those days are over for me), just plain old- fashioned relaxation. I was 15 weeks pregnant and after getting the AFP (down syndrome) test results back and they told me that my numbers were really low and I should come in for an amnio. I agreed and when I got there with a tear- stained face I was reassured that most of the time these results are false- positive and that after the ultrasound they were going to give me I would go home feeling much better. This would be the first and last time I would see my baby girl on ultrasound. I can't even explain the horror when I was expecting to go in for a common, everyday ultrasound and the look on the faces in that room when they saw there was no heartbeat at 16 weeks...well it was unforgettable. I had not even the first sign of miscarriage, no spotting, no pain, no nothing. I was too shocked to even cry at first...I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT...MY WORST NIGHTMARE. I had the D&C that night because I couldn't bear the thought of going home in that condition. All of the chromosomal test results came back fine...there was nothing wrong with our child. They said that the low AFP results were an indication that the fetal demise had already begun to take place even though when I lost our child, it had only been 48 hours before.

I have good and bad days. I've noticed that not too long after an ordeal like this, people just expect you to get back to normal, like nothing has ever happened. Even my husband has stopped grieving. And I'm okay a lot of the time, but sometimes I just want to fall to pieces. Then there are times that I get upset with myself, because life is passing me by while I am being miserable. I tell myself that I can either dwell in what life has dealt me or I can move on and enjoy all of the wonderful things I have in this life. And for now, I am choosing to just that. For now, I am going just rejoice in that fact that I am healthy and strong and that I conceived all on my own this time and I just know in my heart of hearts it will happen again and next time everything will be fine.

I hope that this will offer some sort of positive outlook for someone out there. Thanks for listening. I know it helped me to put my [scattered] thoughts in front of me.

Stefanie

ksaphoto@aol.com