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An Aunt's View

by Tiffany

Date: Fri, 03 Dec 2004

April 21st will remain in my mind as vividly as the day goes on. At 12:30pm my phone rang... Like any other day I was rather cheerful as I answer the phone. It was my sister and she was sobbing so hard I could barely hear her. But the words, "Noah is Dead," burn my ears to this day.

I have an extra special attachment to my nephew, Noah. His mom and I got pregnant very close to the same time. It was both our first time being pregnant, and to be first time moms at the same time. We were so excited and wanted to do everything together... We even started making plans for play dates before the kids were born. Our pregnancies were riddled with specialists, as we were both high risk due to several things that came up... Towards the end of the pregnancies we were getting anxious... My due date was moved up a week and a half and hers was pushed back 3 weeks... we were now a month apart in the due dates of our babies... We were fine with that... December 18th Tracy was admitted to the hospital with a very bad case of the flu. She was being treated aggressively for her fever and other symptoms... and Noah was watched closely with monitors... I was admitted on the 21st to be induced. We were just a few doors away from each other in the hospital.... Again we did something together. December 22nd was the day we really got excited. I was in full-blown labor! And so was Tracy! YAY for us. At 7am she was taken into the OR for a C-section... Noah was born at 745am... 5 weeks premature. But of weight size and was doing well in NICU. Tracy was not allowed to see him till her symptoms were gone from the flu... At noon I got the call from my mom saying she had Noah already... *grandchild number 8 was here* At 1pm the nurse came in and told me that my baby's Heart rate was dipping very low... I was so scared. She said I was going to have a C-section in about 30 mins to an hr. or as soon as my Dr. got there. I ended up getting into the OR for my C-section at about 5 pm. Aiden was born at 5:39pm... *grandchild number 9 was here* My husband called my parents and his family... and almost everyone was there in the recovery room to see me... I still had not seen my son and it was 830 pm. Chris (my hubbie) said he was fine and that they were getting him ready for me... Most of the family went to see Tracy and look through the window at Noah.... I got into my permanent room at 9ish at night and got to hold Aiden for the first time... It was the happiest day of my life... I have a son and a nephew all in the same day!

The next morning I went to see Tracy and Noah a few doors down again... They were so cute... Mommy and new baby... I'm sure that is what many said about Aiden and I... She told me that Noah would be staying in the hospital for another week or two... To make sure he is ok to go home.... I was released on Xmas Eve... She on Xmas Day... How hard it must have been for her to leave the hospital on Xmas with out her baby... I could only imagine...

Noah came home from the hospital after 2 weeks... He was doing very well and thriving.... he had bad reflux... but it was under control... he was in and out of Drs offices for various tests over the next month or so... but over all the Drs said he was doing much better than they thought he would do... He had proven that he is a Fighter and here to stay!

Easter was here..... Oh what a fun day! We had the boys together for another play date! On the floor they laid side by side. cooing and gooing over all the neat toys around them... Aiden even rolled over to hug Noah! Awww... We took tons of pictures of them side by side... it was fun to compare how big they were getting...and all of the things they were starting to do. Aiden got a frog that ribbits and Noah got a duck that quacked in there baskets. They loved those toys so much!

My brother, Ryan, Noah's dad... was really growing up and making himself into such a good dad! I was so happy for him as well... He and Tracy went and had a family portrait done... and a few weeks later Ryan took Noah for some pictures of just him... we got to see the preview picture and my was it cute!

It was a week after that last Picture that it happened... It was a day like any other... Tracy got up did their normal morning routine, took Noah to his daycare workers home.. and off to work she went... The Daycare Mom went about the day as normal... laid Noah down for his late morning nap.... and went about with the other kids... looked up at the clock it was 1145am and she thought "oh Noah will wake up soon.. Gotta make his bottle" She made the bottle and went to the room he was sleeping in.... She told me that as soon as she opened the door to the room she new something was very wrong.... she ran over to Noah and he was Blue.. and very cold! She panicked and called 911.... a neighbor down the street was an EMT.. he heard the call over the dispatch radio in his home... and ran straight over to the house.... when he got there Noah was not breathing and had no heartbeat... but he tried CPR to bring him back..... Tracy and Ryan where both called by the daycare mom when Noah was on the way to the Hospital by ambulance... Ryan reached the hospital first.... and was told that Noah was already gone.... He was in shock.... Tracy arrived a few mins later... and knew what happened as soon as she saw Ryan's face.... She instantly fell apart. Noah was gone at 12:19pm... Ryan, Tracy and most of the family gathered in a small ER room and we Held a very limp baby in our arms and cried....The nurses and Drs had put him in a warmer... so that we would not have to hold a cold baby.... after about an hr they came to take him... to have testing done to see what the cause of death was... We left the room... as we were doing so my mom found a penny on the floor... she picked it up and put it in her pocket...

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven
That's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down
Sometimes just to cheer you up
Make a smile out of your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

author unknown

Later that day we all gathered at my Moms house... I talked to Tracy and asked her if she wanted me to bring Aiden....She said yes.... Everyone hugged him and kissed him... and didn't want to let him go.... I handed him to Tracy... and she cried....and then I cried.... all the while in my head I was thinking "Why did this have to happen... Why was it Noah that had to go... Why am I so lucky to have my Son to hold and She does not! I was mad at the world!" We had the funeral a couple days later.... I dropped Aiden off at a sitter's house for the services... I couldn't handle hearing Tracy cry.. if she heard another infant cry at an infants funeral... Chris and I had the hardest time leaving that Sitter's home.. even though it was the same woman that took care of me when I was little...

The funeral was lovely... Lots of people there to help us through our grief...even some I did not think I would see... we had tons of flowers and arrangements... and one set of very big and very pretty Angel Wings a florist made for us... they had feathers and babies breath gold ribbon and a sash that read "Beloved Grandson" we had another arrangement that had a small angel praying surrounded by lilacs and daffodils... that one was from me... Nephew was on its banner...

We laid Noah to rest.... in a small bassinet sized coffin... Tracy and Ryan carried him to the gravesite. We all said a short catholic prayer... and then it started to sprinkle.. (Tears from Heaven) was what I thought... the angels were crying for our loss...

Over the next few weeks... the grief and pain was unbearable... Most of us had a hard time eating and sleeping.. and the tears constantly flowed... I wanted Noah back.... I wanted Aiden to know his cousin... I wanted them to grow up together.... and most of all I wanted the Pain to go away... I wanted everything to be as it was before that day.

Well Christmas Time is near... and so is their 1st birthday. Over the past few months... the tears have lessened.. although I still do break down and cry now and then... I am forever thankful that I still have my son... but still hurt by the loss of my nephew. We have gone to several memorial events for families that have lost children... We even did a SIDS walk to promote awareness of this thing that happens to children, it was also to help us heal a little more. We did a luminary lighting as well... in remembrance...

For Noah and Aiden's 1st birthday... I have a special day planned... We will do a traditional Bday for Aiden... cake presents and fun... But we will also do a lot of Remembering... and I have ordered some balloons... We are going to write a message to Noah on a small card attach it to the balloon string... and we will release our "Heavenly Messages"... we are going to send a little of us to him... Our angel in the sky...

Noah, you are forever in our hearts, minds, and souls. You are our light in the darkness of the day.

Most people tell me that I am not as affected by the death of my nephew as the parents are... I feel that they are wrong... I know I did not loose my son... But I hurt as though I have... Noah in a sense was my son.. as Tracy and I went through it all together... I do know that the Hurt may never go away... but I will learn how to get through each day... and look towards tomorrow... and I will Remember all of the Time we had together... even though it was much too short!

An Aunt's View
Mommy to Aiden 12/22/03
Auntie to Angel boy, Noah 12/22/03 - 04/21/04

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