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Four years ago today

by Traci

Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000

Four years ago today, I had a eight month old, smiley, drooley son. His name
is Anthony. 4 years ago today, he was starting to crawl and babble things
that almost sounded like mama and daddy. 4 years ago today he cut his first
tooth at my moms and kissed his first girl :) 4 years ago today he wore a
size 6-9 months and looked so cute in hats.
4 years ago today, I had no cares in the world, for no matter what happened I
had my beautiful son. 4 years ago today I had never felt pain so intense that
it may not ever go away. 4 years ago today I was 19 and the world was
shinning bright for me all days ahead.
You see, 4 years ago today was the best day of my life, though I didn't know
it then. It was the day I still had my son, my laughter, my smiles, my
happiness.
Tomorrow is 4 years ago that Anthony never woke up...My whole world and
everything I believed in crumbled. Part of me thinks "has it already been 4
years?" You see, it is because I go through stages, some days it seems like
yesterday and other days it seems like forever ago.
Today I have an almost 3 year old daughter, she will always be my light to
follow no matter how rough and dark the road becomes. Yet, I cant help it if
I cry. For when I look at her in this house, I always wonder what it would
have been like to have 2 kids alive instead of just one. I can not have
anymore, so I will never know.
My son would be starting kindergarten this year and man, that hurts a little
worse then the thought did last year. I find my self day dreaming these days
about taking him to school, my little man, I am sure that I would cry when I
left him there, but not too bad, not like I cried when he left me here.

Today is full of different emotions. I can now smile and laugh again, but
there is always a hint of sadness. I call it the lost look. 4 years ago
today I didn't know that it existed.

Traci
Mom to Anthony Micheal 10/29/95-6/30/96
and Lexi 7/24/97

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