My heart aches ...

by Tracie
Date: January 28, 1998

From: COWZRFUN <COWZRFUN@aol.com>
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 15:22:54 EST
To: sidsnet1-at-sids-network-dot-org
Subject: My heart aches...
Organization: AOL (http://www.aol.com)

Hi, I just want to say that my heart goes out to all of you who have loss a baby.

I read through the stories that each one had wrote and cried through them all. I myself have had 3 miscarriages. My first one was an experience I would never forget. I had found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks along and was just so happy.
Anyway, I have 2 young boys and have never had any problems with those pregnancies. Only 2 C-sections for them. Well when my husband and I got married our plans and hopes of a family involved 3 children, so we did want 1 more child.

Well this was in August of 1994, 12 months pregnant now. One day I was laying down and had these bad dizzy spells and could not stand up with out fallen to the couch or the bed, anyway I had went to the Doctors and they did a bunch of blood work and checked my Hcg levels and seen that they were dropping slowly. Well I went in for an ultra sound and the baby was dead, and had died slowly. Well it was so hard for me I have never experienced the loss of anyone I loved before. Well I was so depressed and people would just say things like, just be grateful for the kids you do have, and at least you were not farther along. Oh they didn't know that they were making the pain worse. I feel that if you do not know what a person is going through don't say a word, just let them know you are praying for them and the situation. Well I searched for all kinds of reasons that why in my life this has happened. Well about 2 months Later in November, I had gotten a phone call that My dad had passed away, OH NO. I could not do it. I never wanted to hear those words. Anyway my heart ached as it did when I lost my baby. Well nothing I could do or could have done, it happened. I knew what it was like to grieve and to loose a loved one, as now I have experienced the loss of my baby. Well Deep inside I believe that in a way it helped me to learn about grief and how to cope with the loss of a loved one. So I grieved the loss of dad as I did for my baby.

Well January 1996, Feeling pregnant, getting all the signs... I went in got a pregnancy test at the store and sure enough...I was. Well I made an appointment with the Doctor and they did the check up and all, and as they were doing the ultra sound I was loosing it, it was dying right there not a thing o could do... Well I was six weeks along at that time. It was hard, But easier than the first...

And than Next year in January again it all happens again, all the signs and everything, bought another pregnancy test and again, pregnant. This time I was so scared of the word, afraid something was going to happen. Well I go in for my check up, my baby's heart is just pitter pattering away. Oh a sight I loved to see. It was finally going to happen, we were going to have our baby. Well I was 7 weeks along and had been taking care of my self extra special.

All my appointments I with the doctor I got to see my baby grow and My boys even came one day, cause I didn't have a baby sitter, Oh they were so happy. Well all was fine. Then comes week 12, time to hear the heart beat. My husband took the day off for this, well we went in, the doctor started to check for the heart beat, and Nothing just silence, My heart began to break, I couldn't believe I was going through this again. Well the doctor told me we needed and ultra sound, so we go in for that, and there the baby lie, no movement no nothing... It was all over... My husband's face I will never forget, and oh how will I tell my boys...

Well, I know that I was not as far as along to feel the movement but those were my babies, they were apart of my husband and my love we shared... to this day the doctors don't know why I keep having miscarriages. But I one day will see my lil angels in heaven, right now they are with their Pa Pa keeping him company...
I made this little poem for my 3 angels.

My Angels In Heaven

My angels in heaven are as tiny as can be, my angels in heaven, there are three.
They are my little babies, who in this world not abide. One day I will see them on the other side. Will they look like daddy or me or even their little brothers? Heaven only knows, as the days grow.
In my heart so lonely and sad,
feeling so empty and a pain that just don't end. To my 3 little darlings, a Kiss I want to send.... XOXOXOX~~~ Dedicated to my 3 Angels...

Love Mommy.

I love to try to comfort those who have a loss such as I, if you want to talk you are welcome to e-mail me anytime... Lets Help each other and carry each other's burdens... God be with you all, Love in Christ. Tracie