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I can't forget..!!

by Wafaa

Update:Thu, 8 Jul 1999

30 May 1998

Dear friends..

I felt so sad cause I've been waiting for this baby a long time ago.. I went through many checkups.. and tests.. I was even treated with Clomid tablets to have this baby!! and simply I don't have nothing left from him but his quite and calm image and 12 ultrasound shots!

I'll start from the beginning... I'm 29yrs old...  a mother of two sweet and pretty girls..(Sara -6yrs- , Summer -4yrs-).. in 30,Aug 1995 I got pregnant and I bought like 4 different pregnancy tests and every time I got a positive result I felt like flying with some baby boy face (cause my husband has always wanted a baby boy)!! and I went 2 perform a blood test (Beta HCG) and I couldn't wait to get the result in the afternoon but when I went there I don't know why I asked the lab nurse about the result if its positive or negative.. she looked and shook her head and said when was your last period I told her my period is one week late..!! she said u better see a Doctor!! she never said ..yes you are pregnant.. so I arranged some appointment the next day.. I went there earlier and the Doctor asked me the same question and performed a vaginal ultrasound!! he told me that it's an early pregnancy ( as the blood results says) .. but there wasn't any baby sac ..!!."It's probably an ectopic pregnancy" he said .. I wasn't familiar with this expression but when he mentioned how risky it is I was really sad and worried!! two days after .. I started 2 have some bleeding.. and every thing goes to an end.. which is I'll never have this baby!!..

I overcame this bad experience.... I went through my life hoping that a new baby will be in the way... but even after waiting for two years I didn't get pregnant.. I went through a full checkup.. every thing was OK... my Doctor told me that I have some milk in my breast that should stop if I wanted to conceive.. I took a medication for 4 months.. and later on the doctor decided in using some tablets called (Clomid) .. and I know that it may leads to multiple pregnancy cause one of my friends had 3 twins this way!!.. I was happy and I started to dream of two boys !! not only one.

In 20,Jan 1998 I was pregnant.. again.. I bought all the available pregnancy books.. and marked my calendar with the coordinating pregnancy weeks.. and even told my little daughters that their brother is in the way ( I even hoped if I'm carrying two).. every thing was going great .. till I got the first invisible spot!.. I even denied my eyes .. but it was true.. the doctor asked me to have one-month bed rest .. and every thing will be OK.. I was planing at that time to travel to (Kuwait) to see my family there.!! cause I'm living in Cairo with my husband who is a diplomat.. I cancelled the trip... and waited for one month.. afterwards.. I went to my doctor in 4,April 1998... "every thing is going well ..here is your baby photo.. he is moving rabidly...heart beat is fine...you can travel now" she said...

My flight was in 9,April 1998... it was really comfortable (3 hours) ..flight.. mom was happy my brother (medicine student)checked me.. I was really happy and proud.. I bought new clothes.. and after two days I felt some backache. I went with my mother and brother in low and my little daughter (Summer) to the hospital the doctor performed an ultrasound for me... "the placenta is very low" he said.. and I realized that my baby is dead at this moment .. **cause my Doctor was telling me always that the placenta is perfectly high.**. then he said .. there are no heartbeats!! It's probably dead.. the other very accurate ultrasound machine says so too!! its over..my baby what I've done that killed u.. I've been told that he is almost 3 days dead!! is it the flight or what!! I need some explanation for this I never had real one... I was hiding my face from my mother in low... hiding my tears from my brother in low and my little daughter... I cried internally..!! no one heard me...but god.. my husband was in Cairo...he came the next day.

The next day I was in the hospital and I was told that I have to deliver this baby "its 16 weeks old"... that was something I want to forget .. very hard, painful and difficult .I was alone when the baby delivered ... I touched him while he was attached to me by the cord... the nurse came immediately and cut the cord.. I talked to him.. he was a baby boy as I always dreamed... a baby in the size of my hand!! I remember this face very well... I wished if I could have done any thing to save him!! he was exactly in his age!! 16 weeks ... recently dead with no explanation at all!!...

You can't believe how desperate I feel now.. the only thing that helped me truly is the stories I've read about the others..!! I want to get pregnant again .. but I'll never ever forget my little baby boy..wish me luck..

Yours
Wafaa

Update:Thu, 8 Jul 1999

I just wanted every one to know what happened in my life next...after 4months of writing my story and after 4yrs of TCC and 2 mc's!! and many fertility medications (Dopergin, Clomid, Preganel and Profassi) I conceived and I remember that I took HPT 9 days after ovulation and it was IV so I too a flight back home (KUWAIT) to see my mom and I went to a fertility clinic in Kuwait and I remember the Dr asking me to wait for my Period or to do a pg'cy test it was just 14days after ovulation when I went to the lab with mom and give the blood and went shopping for one hour and come back to collect the results ...it was POSITIVE......:)) ...I cried all the way back home and thanked god!!...I traveled back home..and everything was so good and at 12 weeks I finished checking my e0mail and I went to the bathroom to get ready to bed..and there was a gush of blood!!! just like the 2nd day of my period!!!!!...it was 12pm and I called my husband and told him to come back home to take me to the Dr... we called my Dr and she was in the hospital 1hour after us...she did a vaginal US...and gave me progesterone and baby aspirin (which I was taken already)...and she shouted at me when I asked her "Dr...what do I have to expect?? Am I gonna loose this baby too???>" I remember her saying "who so you think I'm to ask me such a question....I dunno anything about future ?????...I cried all the way back home!!!

Well...the bleeding stopped 3 days later (and thanks to my new Dr who gave me some tablets to stop the contractions I was having )after 4months in bed rest...every thing goes normal but I was so careful and restful...well..at 38 weeks my water started to leak..and I called my Dr and went to his clinic...and GOD I loosed all the water ...no contractions..cervix closed...they tried to induce me from 8:00pm to 2:00 am ..and I was sent to the operation room at 2:10 am in 5/31/99 when I had my little cute pretty sweet Daughter by c-section...and today she id one month ,7days old......

I just wanted every one to read my story to keep the hope and the believe in GOD...and to remember that no matter how you feel it's far to be true...days can tell you : you are wrong...

Love and best wishes to all of you....

Wafaa

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