God's Will?

by Elizabeth Watson

Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999

After taking the pregnancy test and seeing the two lines, I thought, "Oh my gosh! How in the heck are my boyfriend and I going to deal with this?" I saw the mistakes my parents had made in having me to young- I had vowed I would be at least 30 before I even started having children. I was 20, almost 21 years old and I was dating a true, blue "wild man". Despite being in a dysfunctional relationship I felt something unexpected; I felt JOY. After the first shock, I was filled with unexplainable happiness.

I told my boyfriend that day and although he was shocked at first also, he was overjoyed! I honestly couldn't believe it. We both began to hastily make plans. We planned on moving in together, talked with insurance companies, looked at wedding rings, and even had a time set when to let the parents know. And his name was going to be Jacob. I had a dream of a little boy playing and someone called his name out- that name was Jacob.

I knew I would have to quit school. I knew I would be falling into the same trap my parents had created. I didn't care. I loved my unborn baby. I told him about God, his Father in Heaven, and his brother Jesus who loved him sooo much he died for everyone's sins. I would put my hand on my stomach and sing praises to God. Then I started "spotting".

"Oh don't worry!" the doctor had boomed at me through a phone receiver. I think he was upset I interrupted his golf game. "Brown blood isn't anything, just take it easy." I laid beside my boyfriend. He put his head on my stomach and went to sleep.

"Oh God, please don't take my baby," I cried to the darkness. Then something rose inside me to pray, "Father let your will be done." As soon as I uttered the words I felt a deep pain in my heart. I just *knew* I was losing the baby. I went for an ultra sound the next day and although the ultrasound tech didn't want to tell me what was going on, I told her I needed to know. She told me she didn't see a baby.

My world stopped spinning. My boyfriend broke down. It was horrible. I told my parents and they cried with me and my boyfriend. I love them soo much.

Three months later, my boyfriend and I let each other go. Having the miscarriage between us taught us to let go of people that you love dearly.
Now, a year and three months later, I'm enrolled in a very good college, the first generation in my family to go to College!! I have completed a year at a community college and now I'm going to obtain my degree in Social Work and work with unwed mothers. I look back and think where I would be had Jacob been born. Of course there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could hold him, kiss him- be his Mom. God knows best and I've accepted that.