My Rosebud in heaven

by Jaylin Wollan

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998

We have been married almost 8 years and had been trying for over a year when I found out I had a high Prolactin level. My doctor put me on some medication to lower it and after 2 months found out we were pregnant. We found out January 4, 1998. I am an ultrasound technologist at a hospital , so I knew exactly how far along I was. I was due September 13, 1998. On February 6, my husband stopped by after work so a friend of mine could look at baby again and see how much it had grown since the previous time we looked at 6 weeks and everything was great, with a good heart beat. I had looked on Feb.6 in the AM because it was a fear of mine to have a friend scan me and find something wrong. SO, in the morning everything was OK. When my husband came at 6 PM and my friend did the transvaginal scan there was no heart beat. Talk about being in shock!!

Well, I talked with my OB/Gyn and she scheduled a D&C for the following Tuesday as this was 6 PM Friday. Needless to say after we grieved and I went back to work, my co-workers kept me from doing pregnant patients for a while, but it was very hard the first time I found a demise, or the first time someone else had a due date close to mine. It has been almost 9 months now and even though we are still trying with no luck, I just wanted you to know I still feel envious of my friends and neighbors who are pregnant. I also didn't think my due date weekend would bother me. I thought I was over it, but I was wrong. My neighbor across the street told us she was 8 weeks pregnant that weekend. It is so hard to be happy for other people. I don't know what it will be like the next time around.

I really want to get pregnant, but now am so scared it will happen again, I just don't know how I'll handle it. A friend of mine gave me this poem that I'd like to share with you because I think it has helped me get through this.

The Tiny Rosebud God Picked To Bloom In Heaven

-Helen Steiner Rice-

The Master Gardener From Heaven Above
Planted A Seed In The Garden Of Love
And From It There Grew A Rosebud Small
That Never Had Time To Open At All,
For God In His Perfect And All-Wise Way
Chose This Rose For His Heavenly Bouquet
And Great Was The Joy Of This Tiny Rose
To Be The One Our Father Chose
To Leave Earth's Garden For One On High
Where Roses Bloom Always And Never Die....
So, While You Can't See Your Precious Rose Bloom,
You Know The Great Gardener From The Upper Room
Is Watching And Tending This Wee Rose With Care,
Tenderly Touching Each Petal So Fair.....
So Think Of Your Darling With The Angels Above
Secure And Contented And Surrounded By Love,
And Remember God Blessed And Enriched Your Lives, Too,
For In Dying Your Darling Brought Heaven Closer To You!