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We Named Her Katia Louise

by Shelly Woodward

Date: Thu, 13 May 1999

I am still in some of the stages of grieving. I know I am very blessed already. I have three daughters, Ashley,14, Kayla, 10, and Marisa,4. Marisa was born 12 weeks early in January 1995. She and myself almost died that day. I underwent an emergency c-section and a blood transfusion. She spent 41 long days in NICU and struggled through a heart murmur, and an overdose. Today she is a healthy 4 1/2 yr old who is very smart for her age. In fact she laid next to me in bed last Sunday (Mother's Day) and said "I love you Mommy, Happy Mother's Day." It made tears come to my eyes. But I couldn't help but to think about the baby that will never be. I was told after Marisa to not have anymore children. My tubes were tied after my second daughter Kayla but we found out that they weren't tied correctly leaving a small area for me to get pregnant. But we found out that the only way I could get pregnant was fertility drugs. It only took me a month to conceive Marisa. I ended up divorcing Marisa's father in 1996 and in 1997 I met up with the most incredible man (or so I thought at the time). We fell in love. We had so much in common. He had two sons by a previous marriage that I adored. Although we had talked about having more children, he knew of the health risks so we chose to enjoy each other and the children we had. He grew very close to Marisa. In January 1998, I was having a lot of cramping and heavy bleeding. Because I had a tubal pregnancy 4 months before I became pregnant with Marisa, I knew the symptoms.

I called my gynecologist who informed me that with a tubal pregnancy you do not experience bleeding. I did not agree so I went to the store and bought a home pregnancy test. Which turned faintly positive. I called Jerry into the room and showed him. We were both very excited and very nervous. With the bleeding and cramping we were very concerned. We were planning a wedding that August so this was a total surprise. After some convincing, the doctor finally ordered me a blood test which came out positive. He had me scheduled to come and see him the following week. I didn't tell anyone in my family. By the weekend the cramping was so bad I ended up in the emergency room. My girlfriend took me because that was out weekend with all 5 kids. I had an ultrasound. They determined that once again I had a tubal pregnancy. Who would have thought that this could happen twice to someone! They told me they would give me an injection which would allow my body to absorb the fetus. I knew I could not carry the pregnancy because of it being in my tube. After further testing it was determined that I was at least three months along! they couldn't believe that I had carried it that long with no symptoms. they immediately scheduled me for surgery to remove it, my life was on the line. Jerry couldn't find anyone to take care of the kids so he ended up coming up to the hospital like 2 hours later. I was very upset. They had agreed to hold off the surgery until the morning because I had eaten and they were going to pump my stomach. No way! Jerry showed up the following morning for my surgery, he almost didn't see me prior. He was running late as usual. Once I got out of the recovery room they told me that I not only lost the baby, but they removed one of my tubes and one of my ovaries. I was so upset. I wasn't even allowed a choice and now here I was no baby, and half of my body missing. We did attend a couple of classes about loss together but emotionally I think it tore us apart. Even though we did not know the sex we named her Katia Louise. She was remembered in a memorial service through the hospital. I am upset that the hospital did not allow me to choose if I wanted to bury her. I still wonder if she was formed as a baby at 13 weeks. It makes me shudder to think that my baby was disposed of in a hospital wastebasket. Today Jerry and I are no longer together. He is with someone else. The one year anniversary of our baby's death was 4 months ago. He couldn't even remember the date. I wonder if I will ever be able to get over this loss. Today I have to go pick up my wedding dress which I gave to a consignment shop to sell. I canceled the wedding. I don't want any memories of him or that baby in my life anymore. It is my way of moving on.

It just makes me angry how he has completely cut me out of his life. I realize that he is with someone else but we still lost this child together. I gave him all the memorial papers form the service. He can move on with his life as if nothing happened, I live with the scars on my body to show the agony. How long does it take to get over this?

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