2 Years Without Kayleigh Nicole
In memory of Kayleigh Nicole 4/16-19/1995
16 Jul 1997
It has been two years since my precious little Kayleigh passed on. I wanted to share with you where I have been and where I have gone since she died. I will first say a little about her and her family. Some of you may know me as I have been searching for others for two years and have made friends with many people along the way.
Kayleigh Nicole was born at 1:32 am on April 16, 1995. She was born 4 minutes after her sister, Kristen Michelle. When I was 17 weeks pregnant we found out Kayleigh had a heart defect known as Hypo-Plastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). We were told she would die in utero and then she would eventually poison her sister and kill her too. I was determined that was not going to happen. At 24 weeks I was put on bed rest (with a 3 year old that is tough) and followed doctors orders as much as possible. I was monitored very closely from home and weekly doctor visits. We made it to 36 weeks and 2 days. I said my babies would be born on Easter and they were. We were very happy to hear Kayleigh cry. We were told that was something that just wasn't going to be possible. She seemed so healthy but we knew she wasn't. She was taken to a children's hospital where I joined her on Tuesday (Born on Sunday). On Wednesday I held her for the first time. I didn't want to let her go. Four hours after I held her I walked with her as they wheeled her into surgery. At four days old she underwent open heart surgery. Four hours after the surgery she died. On April 19, 1995 we lost our little miracle. We share that day of grieving with many other families that remember that day too. It is remembered as the Oklahoma City Bombing. Although Kayleigh didn't die that day it is hard for me to see the footage on TV related to the bombing. It brings back a lot of pain.
Over the passed two years I have seen many peaks and valleys in my road of grief. I have been know to say "I hate roller coasters and now my life is one." The first time I said that I was in tears. I meant it. Now I look back and smile at that statement. Life is a roller coaster with peaks and valleys and we travel it fast at times and slowly at times. Those valleys are deep and hard to climb out of but I have somehow managed to find my way back up and never falling quite as far back down as I did the time before. While I don't expect my road to be straight and without any bumbs and curves I can look back down the road and see where I have been.
Something I have done over time is to keep my email messages from the times that I was in one of the deep valleys and some from my peaks. I look back at them at times to see my progress. I also am writing in a journal every August to see my progress also. I am not saying that I don't cry anymore because I do. I am not saying that I don't ask why anymore because I do. I still feel empty and miss my little Kayleigh Nicole. I would rather her be here playing with her brother and twin sister.
It is still hard when my son who is now 5 says "Why did Kayleigh die Mommy?" I cry when Kristen does something new without her twin. I cry when Kristen sees twins on TV and says "Mommy I twin too." I don't think the pain will ever go away but I can say one thing. The coping gets easier with time. As I always say "We learn to cope with coping as we travel the road of grief."
I hope some of you find something in my letter that will help you as you travel the road of grief with me. Feel free to contact me if you would ever like to talk about your little one or talk about anything that is on your mind.
Friends through Angels,
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