To Find the Right Path
I've enclosed something I wrote a few years ago regarding my pain. Maybe it may help
someone else find the right path. Thank you.
12 Jul 1998
The finality of the death of a loved one is a cross one has to bear in their own way. For me, it was watching my son die in my arms. I watched as the life seeped out of him as my CPR and mouth to mouth had no effect. God was taking him to His world, a place of eternal life and joyous wonder. I have a Saint in my family now, an Angel if you will. The 17 days that God let me watch him, I now feel honored to have been given. I now sit and watch the days as my brother Bill's life is being taken from him with the cancer. I need to reflect on all the good things we had together, not the drunken arguments. I know he will be in a much better place when he leaves these earthly bounds, yet it is sad to me. I will miss him so much, yet I wonder if he really knows how much. The pain I feel inside is real, the tears are wet and salty. They must be real. So how am I able to sit here and say "No, do not leave me!" when I know he will be in Gods trusting hands? The dilemma for me is that I am a recovering alcoholic who is starting to love God again. Do I really have the strength in my heart to let my brother go? I do not think so. I have been praying for "things" for a long time and when the prayers were answered, they cost me dearly. I need to be able to just say "Thy will not mine be done".
For that I can do, God will know that He is still my Higher Power and I am not asking for anything specific. I cannot stop my brother from dying, just as I could not save my son. It is Gods will, I have no control over these things. To see the pain and anguish of another person losing a child, or anyone close to them is gut wrenching to me.
I have known the hurt, anguish and helplessness it causes us. I cannot avoid these people, too many of them avoided me in my time of need when all I needed was someone to say "I'm here if you need to talk". Most ran away for fear of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes, in a rare instance, they ran away because they could not handle the situation themselves. I understand that now. I forgave them a long time ago, and I can tell them I love them today.
If you know someone who needs to talk or even just sit quietly with, be there for them, please. It is not asking a lot to be a true friend. In fact, it is asking very little.
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