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Searching

reprinted with permission

Where are the friends?
That vowed to be there
When days are long and lonely
and it seems no one cares.
And my silence screams
in my head in my hands.
Do they care to share in the
sorrow they can never understand.
Would I be ruining their day,
anchoring them with my pain
Maybe it's better if they
don't call me again.
Although, I wish that they would
But they don't on this day
Maybe I've somehow
scared them away.

Where is the family?
That we once were
Carefree and confident
The future was sure.
And fearlessly closing
bedroom doors for the night
Knowing for certain
we'd all wake with the light.
Blowing out birthday candles
and wishing for things,
not a brother to return
upon angels wings.
Hanging ornaments on the tree
in any haphazard way.
Now carefully placing symbols
of his missed day.

Where is the woman?
I once used to be
I'm teetering on my old
and new identity.
I know I'm the mother
of three daughters and a son,
but the picture they see
will be always missing one.
A confident woman
now shaken by fear,
with a strength that carries me
through each passing year.

Where is my son?
Where are you, dear?
I always keep searching,
I know when you're near.
But, where is the boy
that I held near my heart?
Whose hair I shampooed
and dressed in clothes, so new.
With perfect brown eyes,
so big and so round
and a smile with a dimple
on the left to be found.
Where are the dreams?
of saying your name
when playing Pat-a-Cake,
or shouting it at your ball games.
Or pinning on your boutonniere
as you leave for the prom
With a tear in my eye
'cause I'm a sentimental mom.
Your graduation, your wedding day,
all those dreams...gone.

So where are all of
these things that I lost?
Are they buried in your "garden"
with your body, in a box.
Or maybe I'll find them
when I find you one day,
In a place called Heaven
where angels play.

Anonymous
Aug. 21, l994

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