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Crying For My Baby

by Ann Douglas
in memory of Laura Ann Douglas
stillborn October 9, 1996.

After a few consecutive days of feeling relatively sane, I'm feeling just dreadful again. About an hour ago, I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my lost baby. Neil (my hubby) and I heard the song - When I Fall In Love by Natalie Cole & Nat King Cole - in the car in late September, while we were driving home after a romantic pre-baby getaway. (My sister had come up to watch the kids so we could spend some time on our own before the baby arrived.) We talked about how the baby would change our lives, but not our love for each other. I remember just feeling so happy about how great my life was.

One of the lines mentions how sometimes love ends before it's really begun. That's the line that really got to me. I feel so sad that I never had the chance to nurse my baby, to bath her, to change her, to do the million-and-one other things that go along with caring for a newborn. I can't even express how deep the longing is right now. I feel like I could cry forever. Everything seems so dark and dreary (and the pathetic weather isn't helping at all!!!)

I remember reading somewhere that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Well, today I feel like he really miscalculated. I don't know if I can handle this heartbreak - and today I don't particularly feel like trying.

I'm also mourning the loss of my innocence. I can't imagine that I'll ever enjoy life to the same degree as I did before October 9, or that I'll ever be able to say to anyone (as I did the Sunday before Laura died) "My life is absolutely perfect. I couldn't be happier." Those deliriously happy times are clearly behind me now. Even the thought of becoming pregnant again isn't a particular comfort to me right now. All I want is Laura in my arms, and - by a cruel twist of fate - that's the one thing I can't have.

My heart is broken, and I am crying many tears today for the baby I so desperately wanted.

Ann

Mother to Julie (May 16, 1988), Scott (Dec. 22, 1989), Erik (Aug. 8, 1991) Baby ? (miscarried Oct. 31, 1994) and Laura (stillborn Oct. 9, 1996)

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